I’ve Waited Five Years to Feel Safe Enough to Send My Son to Kindergarten.

Originally featured in the ADN May 25, 2022

I grew up shooting guns. We had family safety classes and strict gun rules. I went on hunts. I practiced shooting a .22 and a .410 and pistols. There were guns under my mom and stepdad’s bed in my childhood home. They were propped against the wall next to the wood stove during caribou, sheep, moose and trapping seasons. There was always a case of bullet casings to be refilled on the kitchen table. There were rifles behind Carhartt shirts in the closet. Since my grandfather’s passing, my family is still parceling out guns that have been in my family for generations.

I understand guns and I dearly love people who have them — in their trucks ready to hunt a spruce grouse at a moment’s notice. In their gun safes. In their homes.

I’ve also spent a lot of time away from my hometown of Palmer. I’ve traveled the Tube in London before and after the bombings on July 7, 2005. I dined in the Leopold Café and wandered through the Taj Palace Hotel in Mumbai a few months before the bombing and hostage crisis. I regularly visit Belfast, where my husband grew up during the violence of the Troubles, including current periodic flashpoints.

And never have I felt more terrified to be in public and private spaces than in my own home country. I live two doors down from a home where a mother and two of her young children were shot and murdered in their beds.

My son starts kindergarten in August. You know what my top consideration is for choosing a school?

Read the entire commentary here.

Salmonberries and Saag Aloo

Originally published in Alaska Women Speak and the Alaska Humanities Forum, FORUM magazine.

I feed you

smoked salmon

and saag aloo. You

devour salmonberries

from our overgrown garden

 

and your grandmother’s

chicken curry—not as spicy

as when your uncle

made it after our wedding. We sat

in a room of laughing

 

tear tracks, the chili pepper

was so strong.

One of you

has eyes the color

of silty glacier water, like

 

me. And one

has eyes the color

of moss,

gazing up at the sky

from the bottom

 

of a clear stream. Neither,

have your dad’s

bronze skin

or amber eyes.

Your baby…

Read the full poem here.

I Don’t Believe in Astrology, but…

Originally featured on Elephant Journal September 10, 2019

“I ruined “The Avengers: Endgame” for my family.

I couldn’t get past the imagined trauma of all the people who were brought back at the end.

What if their loved ones moved on? What about their children being five years older? What about children coming back to find their parents maybe died in the intervening years?

The trauma of suicide. Cancer. Disease. Heartbreak. It’s a mind-f*ck.

My husband pointed out I was spending too much time analyzing a movie about superheroes and space and aliens and time travel and magic stones. And my response was: If I’m going to watch a movie based on such an absurd premise, I want it to be believable. I want writers more clever than me writing something engaging. And the writers of “Endgame” totally lost the plot.

But what really terrified me was Captain America. He went back in time to choose someone. Listen to how crazy that is. How does his relationship survive that kind of pressure? That’s a lot to ask of someone; I chose you. I came back in time to…” 

Read the full article here.

The Cult of “Not our Responsibility” Isn’t Alaskan.

Originally featured in the ADN July 11, 2019

“Alaskans are generous.

At any given moment, I know at least 15 people who would be willing to drop what they’re currently doing and come dig my car out of my driveway. Or better yet, be the random stranger who stops to help dig me out of the ditch. Or in this heat, lend me a paddling pool and some frozen moose steaks to ease my flaming sunburn.

And these aren’t just people with whom I share bits of DNA. To be Alaskan is to be family in the best sense of the word. It’s bigger than blood. Bigger than surnames. Bigger than bumper stickers and vehicle models.

Read the entire commentary here.

 

Is Making Out Like Teenagers Good for Parenting? Asking for a Friend.

Originally featured on Elephant Journal May 12, 2019

“Has that guy been there the whole time? Just watching us?” I asked my husband, while glancing nervously through the windshield of my Subaru.

We were sitting in a Target parking lot, making out in the front seat of my car like desperate teenagers.

“I don’t know. I didn’t notice him before,” my husband said as we looked sheepishly across the parking space. What have we become?

Parents. That’s what. Sleep-deprived, unkempt, slightly smelly, stressed out, parents.

On those highly prized rare nights when parents have a break from parenting pint-sized tyrants, we revert back to teenagerdom.

Seriously. Consider: What do we do when we’re suddenly without our sweet little monsters? Sleep. Eat popcorn and pie for dinner. Watch loads of television. Wear pajamas all day. Catch up and call friends. Dress up for no reason. Put on make up then wipe half of it off because we look like clowns. Take really, really long showers.

And apparently make out in Target parking lots while waiting to pick up takeout.

This night happened on one of those special “Grandparents’ Nights.” Before our second child was born, my mom had our toddler son while we went to a movie and then decided to pick up dinner on our way home. We had time to kill, but not enough to do much. So here we found ourselves, reverting back to our baser natures.

Parenting is a marathon. An endurance test. Maybe we’ll fall down. Maybe somebody will cheer for us. Maybe someone will throw water at us. Maybe we’ll cry. Maybe we’ll hit that runner’s high. Maybe we’ll do something embarrassing. Maybe we’ll find a buddy to commiserate with. Maybe we’ll inhale a packet of gummies without breaking stride. Maybe we’ll learn something about our grit, our fears, our hopes, our strength. Maybe we’ll learn how to ask for help.

And maybe we’ll make out in Target parking lots in front of strangers in vans.

I mean, the world really is our oyster.

Parenting is…

Read the full article here.

Books & Mugs Newsletter: Issue 2.

What I’m Currently Reading

“Reproductive Politics: What Everyone Needs to Know” by Rickie Solinger. Are you angry? Because I sure as hell am. This was published in 2013, so it’s definitely missing a bit from the most recent crazy, but the questions posed are still insightful. Such as “What basic reproductive restrictions have been placed on women with disabilities in the past and today?” and “How do policies such as day-care funding and family leave shape women’s reproductive decisions?” You know, the things we should be talking about and actively taking into account as we go about legislating bodies.

What I Should Be Reading

“Man Fast” by Natasha Scripture. It’s the perfect light, travel-y summer read, and I really should be finishing it soon—I’m interviewing the author this coming week for Big Cabbage Radio. But oof, I get goosebumps. In a good way. It’s like reading a weirdly mixed up parallel version of my life. She’s half Indian and even had an Irish boyfriend named Niall. My intrigued eyebrow can’t get any closer to my hairline. This memoir spans the globe and has enough intelligent self-reflection to make us want to think about our own lives. It keeps good company with “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Wild.” 

What I Want to Be Reading

“Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer. This was my book club’s pick for last month. Which I didn’t read, because I was caught up reading a murder mystery that I’ll mention in the next newsletter. The praise in our meeting was enough to get me to start. So far, I’ve read it in the bathtub (I think the second bath I’ve had since baby #2 was born) and in my Mother’s Day gift; a hammock hanging under the heavy cream blossom laden boughs of our bird cherry tree. Not my normal reading spots, but that’s what kind of tone this book sets out to evoke: sumptuously rooted. The natural world, indigenous wisdom, and prose that reads like poetry. My soul feels healthier from having read each page.

Books & Mugs: First Issue.

What I’m Currently Reading

“Rich People Problems” by Kevin Kwan. This is the final installment of the “Crazy Rich Asians” trilogy. If you don’t like snide footnotes, I’m not sure we can be friends. I devoured the first two installments over the course of a few days. This one, I’m dragging through a bit, only because I read ahead, which I swear I never do, and now I’m a little lackluster about finishing. These books are full of snarky characters and absurd (at least to non-crazy-rich people) situations. I knew close to nothing about Singapore and very little about Hong Kong before picking this series up. Now, I still know very little, but I’m hungry for more Asian-centered stories. These books are refreshing in their lack of white people. I try to read a diverse range of authors and perspectives, but honestly, sometimes I’m lazy and it takes effort to find stories not defined by Western (namely: white) standards. Thanks to everyone who made this series a bestseller. I hope the buzzing popularity shows how much we crave/need these voices and these stories. I consider this a popcorn–maybe popcorn dusted with chili–book: addicting. Speaking of food, I’m always hungry after reading this one. Kwan has a knack for describing delicious things that I can’t find in small town Alaska. 

 

What I Should Be Reading

“Making Space for Indigenous Feminism” edited by Joyce Green. Because, come on, everyone should read this one. This is a compilation of articles written by Indigenous feminists and allies. I picked this up during Women’s History Month. Indigenous feminism is truly intersectional. These articles are accessible and straightforward. Here’s a taste:

“The relationship between Native and white women cannot be unidirectional. The Canadian or international women’s movements cannot define all the terms nor expect Indigenous women to assume dominant cultures as their own, even if we share common interests around gender oppression. Native women’s cultures challenge state and mainstream cultural systems, as does the history of colonialism. White women must do some consciousness-raising about the quality of life and nature of political and intellectual colonialism in our country” (LaRocque, 140). 

Wha-bam. This was written by a Canadian, but the call to action is just as imperative here in Alaska, and I’m pretty damn sure applies to the rest of the world. 

 

What I Want to Be Reading

“Mead: The Libations, Legends, and Lore of History’s Oldest Drink” by Fred Minnick. I grabbed this one in a moment of nostalgia. It had intentions of becoming a Christmas present, but I kept it for myself. Going to university in Boulder, CO included a lot of friend’s home brew experiments. Mead, fruit wines, sake. Never actually beer. Because: Naropa. So, mead. I did a tour of one of the modest mead breweries (I think they’re still called a brewery even though there’s no beer) in Boulder. The mead was smooth and nuanced and crisp. Refreshing. Have I mentioned that I’ve been a) pregnant b) trying to get pregnant or c) nursing for the past four-ish years? I’m kinda missing an adult beverage evening. I even have lofty thoughts of eventually brewing myself some mead, because why buy it when you can spend more and wait a ridiculously long time to make it yourself? This covers brewing recipes and the history of mead. Learn some interesting facts to share with the friends you’ll eventually serve your delicious home brewed mead. And maybe consider inviting me over as one of those friends. 

Real Talk from a Working Mama.

Originally featured on Elephant Journal January 23, 2019

Some motherhood real talk:

Last Thursday was the first time Littlest One went to daycare and joined Biggest One. It was gut-wrenching, but not nearly as bad as the first time I dropped off Biggest One at daycare. That day, I sobbed for about half an hour and welled up again as soon as I ran into a friend and she innocuously asked, “How’s it going?”

Thursday wasn’t so traumatizing, because I’ve been super lucky to have a friend nannying Littlest One in our home, while I’ve been working part-time for the past few months.

Although now, it all feels rushed. After dropping them off, I felt bereft. And free.

Being a working parent is like peeling and cutting a pungent onion. There are lots of tears, it overwhelms the senses, and if we’re not careful, we may be at risk of losing some precious flesh. Talk about the many layers of complicated.

These arrangements are nothing new. I mean come on, I just watched the original “Mary Poppins” tonight. Being a working mom is nothing new. But damn, it’s hard.

I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love what we do. I also love these two little firecrackers who have my eyes and their daddy’s mischievous smile.

I spend nights calculating childcare hours and worrying if I’m doing this parenting thing right.

These are the moments when I feel most tired. Not the all night nursing sessions, or fending off my sliver of bed and rumpled sheets from a marauding toddler, or…

Read the full article here.

You Missed the Best Bit of Television Today.

Originally featured on Elephant Journal January 3, 2019

If you missed it, today, the best bit of television happened on C-SPAN.

This afternoon, the 116th Congress opened and the United States House of Representatives voted on the next Speaker of the House.

Unsurprisingly, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi will again take the helm in Congress.

Watching the camera pan around the packed chamber may seem like the most boring bit of slow TV you could find—even Netflix wouldn’t pick it up. I mean, come on, it’s C-SPAN.

But that camera revealed more than just a lugubrious roll call vote.

There were the faces of the rising stars on the left, names you’ve probably heard plenty about. Maybe even follow on Instagram. Ocasio-Cortez. Tlaib. Davids. Omar. Haaland. Pressley. Escobar…

Read the full article here.

10 Things Not to do When Traveling with a Toddler.

Originally featured on Elephant Journal December 18, 2018

Not long ago, my husband, toddler, and I dropped everything to fly around the world for a family emergency.

First and foremost, toddlers are little bundles of entropy, with sweetly redeeming giggles and grins. And they can be little demons in squishy fluid-oozing bodies. They make for exciting traveling companions.

We previously considered—and ultimately decided against—the same leisurely trip to visit family, because: toddlers. The variability of toddler moods on a good day can be crazy tempestuous, not to mention while traveling. Since we were forced to make the 48 hour journey from Alaska to Ireland anyway, we learned a few enlightening lessons along the way.

My husband and I have done a lot of international traveling. He’s originally from Ireland and I’m from Alaska. We met in India seven years ago and before baby came, we covered a fair portion of the world and racked up the airline miles to prove it.

But parenting and traveling? It’s newish territory for us.

Mostly, everyone we met while crammed into tin cans in the sky were sweet and accommodating. Traveling internationally tests all of us, especially those of us who are parents.

I once sat next to a mother on a nine hour flight with an infant who cried for approximately eight hours and 45 mins of the journey. Another passenger kept coming up to our row of seats and offering to take the mother’s little one to give her a moment of respite and each time, the mother politely declined. Finally, after hours of this, the other passenger came up, grabbed the baby from the mother’s arms and walked away down the aisle. The baby stopped crying immediately and all the passengers around us let out a collective sigh. The mother put her face into her hands and…

Read the full article here.